Sugar
I could title this “Why do I do stupid things? (Part 4)” but I’m kinda tired of the repetitiveness. And I could probably keep going until part 99. None of us want that.
So yesterday I had to go to an event that’s one of those things I visualize something bad happening at. I tried to suppress that and just trust that God would get me through it. And He did — again. Why do I still fear? God is so good to me and I keep running back to fear.
Well, one of the things I can do to help stop one of my bigger anxiety issues is to stop eating sugary junk. I should probably just cut out sugar in general.
Yesterday I got home from the event and my daughters had a couple of friends over for a tea party. They do this full-out: dressed up, good tea cups, finger snacks, and cake. Mmmm, cake. Cake means icing. My wife makes a delicious buttercream icing. It’s just three ingredients: shortening, butter, and powdered sugar.
Side note… if you leave butter out for days and then eat it you’ll get food poisoning. So how by just mixing it with sugar and shortening can you leave it out for days and then eat it and not get food poisoning?
Anyway, about an hour after I get home my wife takes the kids off to do some of their extracurricular stuff and I’m now home by myself with leftover cake and leftover icing. A good slice of cake goes into the leftover icing which has been in the fridge ’cause I love it chilled. I then sit down on the couch and eat it down. Short term enjoyment for long-term price.
The price I pay, other than the obvious unhealthiness of it, is that it heats up my body and makes me sweat. When your body processes sugar it generates heat which raises your internal body temperature. I knew I was going to have to go out that evening for cat food and other stuff. I told myself to wait until after shopping, but I didn’t.
So I take the kids to the pet store and end up running into someone I know and there I am having to regularly wipe the beads of sweat off my forehead, feeling more and more anxious with every wipe. And of course sweating more and more as my anxiety increases.
I have got to stop eating leftover icing. In fact, I should just stop eating sugar. Stop adding it to my cereal. Stop adding it to other stuff. I’ll sweat less, lose weight faster, my performance on the bike will increase faster, and just be healthier in general. And truthfully I really don’t even enjoy it after the first few bites.
So stop doing it!
Why do I do stupid things? (Part 3)
In my first post in this series, I discussed my weight and my desire to become less of a man than I currently am. Less of a man in pounds, that is. But I was stupidly continuing to eat more than I should, and to snack after dinner when I shouldn’t do that at all. I even came up with a pros and cons list.
In my second post in this series, I discussed my exercise habits and specifically bicycling. I really enjoy bicycling yet I don’t get myself up in the mornings to do it as often as I should. I reviewed the journey that got me back into bicycling as an adult.
Progress report: I’ve done better with eating since the second installment in this series. I’m usually stopping after my first serving of a meal, and I’m not eating after dinner like I used to. Especially junk. And I’m not bicycling as regularly as I’d like to, but I am getting out at least once or twice a week.
Visualizing Failure
What a stupid thing to do, huh? Instead of visualizing myself succeeding at things, I visualize myself failing at things. To the point that I usually end up in a panic about whatever it is that I’m fearing. Thankfully it almost never turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. God has been very good to me though and either gotten me through or gotten me out of everything I’ve feared having to do for many years.
This can’t go on forever though. It’s not that I think God will one day just stop helping me or that there is a limit to his mercy — far from it. I am just saying that this is holding me back. If I want to reach my stated goal of being a better father, husband, employee, and more then I have to stop doing this stupid thing.
Visualize Success!
The solution to this one is simple. Visualize success! Well, technically it’s simple. Actually, there’s a strange “feedback loop”. Oh, and it’s stupid, too.
I fear success because then I’ll be asked to do more of whatever I succeeded at. Or my success will be recognized in some way and it might be in a public way. Good grief some psych doc could make a career out of me.
The obvious response to the feedback loop fear is that if I’m successful at whatever I was afraid of then I need to continue my success and do the next thing that pops into my fear circle.
Doing this over and over should logically get me past my fears and eventually fear would be a thing of the past! Wouldn’t that be wonderful.
So, I’ve got something on Thursday that’s giving me some fear issues. Visualize success. I can do this.
Why do I do stupid things? (Part 2)
In my first post in this series, I discussed my weight and my desire to become less of a man than I currently am. Less of a main in pounds, that is. But I stupidly continue to eat more than I should, and to snack after dinner when I shouldn’t do that at all. I even came up with a pros and cons list. I’ve done ok since I wrote that list, but not as good as I wish I had. Stupid.
The next stupid thing I do is I don’t get the exercise I should. This is stupid for several reasons:
- Exercising would help me lose weight faster.
- Exercising helps me feel better and more confident.
- I like exercising, yet I don’t make the effort to do it!
I’ve been athletic for a good part of my life. I played high school football and also did weight-lifting competitions. I could have played college football, but didn’t. I’ll have to write a post about that some day.
In 2003ish my oldest daughter was 5 years old and learning how to ride a bicycle. I was big, fat, and much more out of shape than I am now and I was tired of running behind her as she learned to get rid of her training wheels. My sister had recently bought a bicycle and I thought that it might be a good idea for me. So for $350 I bought a 2003 Trek 7200 hybrid bicycle.
I rode with my daughter and decided since there was a paved bike trail nearby that I would get up in the mornings and do some exercise. I will never forget that first morning. I rode just over six miles in just over 30 minutes and I thought I was going to die. I tried to go fast but couldn’t manage to go faster than about 12-13mph. I could not believe it was so hard and that I was so out of shape. My heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest.
But I stuck with it. I got faster, I rode longer distances, and it got easier. I even commuted to work by bicycle for a whole winter. I started thinking about getting a better bicycle.
I decided to ride a loop that would take me around all the paved trail that I could easily access from my house. This ended up being a 43 mile ride! And I did it! I felt terrible for the last half of the ride, but I did it. And oh did I hurt. I decided right then that I could not keep doing this on a hybrid bike. I needed a road bike.
After much research, test riding bikes, and lots of discussion, I spent about $1200 on a 2004 Specialized Allez Elite bicycle. Wow was that so much easier to ride for longer distances. I was faster and a 43 mile ride was much more comfortable. I even had clipless pedals and shoes. (Can someone explain to me why you “clip in” to “clipless pedals”?)
The goal of any road cyclist is to eventually ride a century – a 100 mile bike ride. On January 17, 2005 I rode my first century and did it in 6 hours and 45 minutes. And I weighed about 320 pounds at the time. I had extra weight on me, but I was in the best shape I had been in in many years. Everyone told me I didn’t look like I weighed 300 pounds.
You won’t believe what I did after that first century. I was on top of the world and I pretty much stopped riding. Training for a century is hard and my body was tired. I still could have ridden a few days a week, but I didn’t. Stupid.
I did start riding regularly again after few months. After I had thrown away much of the fitness I had gained by traing for and riding that century. Eventually I wanted to do it again. And in March of 2008 I rode my second century. It was much warmer and I did not do as well, but I did it. And I stopped riding again after I did it. Stupid, stupid.
That was about 18 months ago now and I still haven’t ridden regularly since then. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I can still go out and ride 20 miles so I’m not nearly as bad as I was when I first started riding in 2003. But I don’t feel nearly as good (or as good about myself) as I did after each of those two century rides. And I really loved feeling that good.
So, why don’t I get our regularly in the mornings and ride? My older daughter is now 12 years old and riding a road bike with me. She really enjoys riding with me and I really enjoy riding with her. But we only get out once every week or two. Hopefully that will increase after this weekend. No, stop hoping. Make it happen.
My wife is a night-owl and so we usually don’t get to bed until between midnight and 1am. That makes it kinda hard to get up and ride at 6:30am, huh? So I need to go to bed earlier so I can get up earlier and not sleep-walk through the day.
I really enjoy riding my bike. I hate the way I feel through the day when I don’t ride in the morning. I love the way I feel through the day when I do get up and ride in the morning.
(Now comes the part where I yell at myself. Feel free to yell at me to in the comments.)
So get up and ride! Stop making excuses. Get to bed at a good time, and get out there and ride. Commute to work by bicycle again — at least a couple days a week. Ride on the weekends when you can go longer distances and ride on the road with less traffic.
You’ll lose weight, lose it faster, lower your blood-pressure, lower your heart rate, feel more confident, be less self conscious aobut how you look, and be happier. All of those things will make it easier for you to get over your fears. And it’s something you enjoy doing!
SO GET OUT THERE AND DO IT!!!
Why do I do stupid things? (Part 1)
I know the problem. I don’t know the full solution, but I certainly know things that would help. They’re not even things that challenge my fears.
They are things I keep doing things that I should stop. I’m sure my wife would tell me that they’re comfort things that I don’t want to give up. But I want to get over my fears more and I need to give up certain things to do that.
Ok, that was all very vague. I’ll go into specifics over the next few posts but here’s the first one:
I’m extremely self-conscious about my over-weight appearance.
I’m a big guy. I certainly have over 100 pounds to lose. Now I should let you know at this point that I’m close to six and a half feet tall so being over 100 pounds overweight doesn’t look as bad on me as it would on a five and a half foot man. No, it doesn’t look good on me, but… you understand my point.
So, all I have to do is eat less at meals (or just stop after my first serving of a meal) and especially stop eating junk after dinner. Doesn’t sound hard does it? Lots of times I don’t even know why I eat the junk. I often don’t really enjoy it and then I feel yucky after eating it. That’s so stupid, isn’t it?
And get this… when I try to lose weight, I do. My wife is very jealous of how easily the weight comes off me when I just try.
So, make the change! Stop going to the fridge and pantry after the kids are in bed and stop eating after one serving of a meal! You want pros and cons? Ok, fine:
Pros:
- Less self-conscious about my appearance.
- Clothes would fit better.
- Can bend down to tie shoes without being sooo darn uncomfortable!
- Would feel better.
- Would live longer with less strain on my heart.
- Much more fun in bed!!! (That should be enough right there!)
- Would be able to wear clothes I want to but can’t right now because they don’t come in XXXLT sizes.
- Lower food bill.
- More fun with the kids since I would be more active with them.
- Would sweat less.
- Would not get so out of breath going up stairs.
- All of the above would reduce my stress and raise my rock-bottom self esteem.
Cons:
- (What possible down-side could there be to this? Anybody got one? I’ve got nothin’.)
One of my favorite books as a kid was Where the Red Fern Grows. Yes, I cried at the end. I cried when I read it to one of my kids a few years ago. Badly. Hey, I’m a senstive guy. Anyway, there’s a scene where Billy has to catch a raccoon to get a hide for training his coonhounds. The way he does it is to put a shiny ball of tin foil in the end of a branch that’s been hollowed out. Nails are put in the end of the log so their points go through the wood and point towards that tin foil ball. The curious raccoon reaches in past the nails to get the shiny ball but once his paw grabs onto it he can no longer get his paw out. So? Let go of the ball, right? Nope! That ‘coon won’t do it. It will hold on to it until Billy and his Dad find the stuck ‘coon at the trap and kill it.
Food is a shiny ball in a trap to me. It’s an addiction that does me no good. Worse, it does me quite a bit of harm both physically and mentally. It will eventually kill me if I don’t let go. It’s time for me to let go of the ball and pull my hand out of the trap.
Inky Blackness
Fear often is simply being out of control and not knowing what’s going to happen. Like when you walk into a dark room, or you are going on a blind date, or you decide to eat that leftover meat that’s been in the fridge. When did we have that dinner? Will it make me sick? Or just delirious and I’ll be doing Barbra Streisand karaoke on the coffee table while talking to Obi-wan? We don’t like to be out of control. We like to see what’s coming at us so we can deal with it.
I took my 12 year old daughter on a pre-dawn bicycle ride on a paved trail this morning. I’ve got a cool new tail light that I was itching to use and she saw it as an adventure and wanted to conquer it.
I turned on my four year old headlight that gives us an ok view about 20 feet in front of us and off we went at 6:40am. We rolled down the road to the trail intersection while the street lights cast long shadows of us as we got farther away from them. Once we got to the trail I had her stop and we looked down the path. Normally we see the pavement go off into the distance. We see another cyclist, or runners, or someone walking with their dog. This time we saw nothing. Just inky blackness.
We’ve had problems in the past with bears getting into our garbage during the night. And (you guessed it) our garbage was hit last night. So for all we knew there could be a bear somewhere along the trail just waiting for us to startle him so he could scare the puddin’ out of us. Or worse…
Fear of the unknown. You’re out of control. You can only see what’s right in front of you.
So there we were on the trail, staring into the abyss. My daughter’s eyes were wide with fear and I could hear it in her voice. She swallowed and said she was ready to face it. I smiled and we started forward.
We came upon a couple of other cyclists. A couple of runners. After 20 minutes we could start to see the trail in the distance. After 30 minutes my headlight wasn’t really helping our visibility. No bears, no killer armadillo, not even any squirrels. Just the breeze on our faces and the sounds of the early birds singing their songs to welcome the new day.
She conquered the darkness. I was very proud of her. I was a little nervous myself, but this is not the type of thing that bothers me much. And it always helps to have someone face the fear with you.
Introduction
I’ve lived with social and performance anxiety for 20 or more years. It’s holding me back and I’m sick of it.
It keeps me from being as good of a father as I could be.
It keeps me from being as good of a husband as I could be.
It keeps me from being as good of a friend as I could be.
It keeps me from being as valuable at work as I could be.
It keeps me from telling others about Jesus.
And it just keeps me from enjoying life and being truly happy.
My path to defeat it starts right now.
